Hot Dogging
by Cal reflector
Summary: Romance, seduction, and nosebleeds are a part of this warm comedy starring our favorite characters from Bleach: Ishida, Renji, Rukia, Yoruichi, and many more. The Quincy's first love was just beginning...
1. Default Chapter

**Hot Dogging**

Author: Cal-Reflector

Author's Notes: This fiction will be a humorous piece, and readers should prepare themselves as I will strive to do my worst. Pairings will range from semi-conventional to outright crazy (depending on who you support), with emphasis at this point on Rukia-Renji, Ishida-Nemu, and others to be introduced shortly.

Disclaimer: I do not owned Bleach or the characters contained therein.

**Chapter One: "I am giving my daughter's hand in marriage…"**

T'was a peaceful night in Soul Society, where after the defeat of the Aizen and his henchmen peace and order had descended once more. How and when this came about is of little importance to the story, suffice to say that some member of the protagonist's camp, most likely Kurosaki Ichigo, underwent yet another one of his law-of-the-universe-defying level-ups and wasted the baddies, managing to do so without killing them, like always… does it ever happen any other way? Deep within the formidable walls of the _Seireitei_ (Pronounced Sei-rei-tei, methinks), the inner court where the shinigamis dwelt, who amongst themselves liked to refer to it as the Labyrinth, a quiet celebration was taking place to commemorate their victory and survival of the latest war.

Well, it was in fact more like a festive riot of Babylonian proportions, or with a more modern reference, what occurs in downtown when the Los Angeles Lakers win the championship. There was singing and dancing and wine that flowed like the river, albeit no arson and looting took place, in contrast to the Lakers' scenario. The wild goings-on spilled out into the court yard, where the rest of the lesser, unnamed shinigamis had their fun. In the main hall was where the higher-ranked death gods and their human friends held their party.

Indoors, our main character and his host sat in a relatively quiet section of the room, for mighty protectors of peace and justice though they were, they were still only fifteen years of age, and thus not allowed to participate in the drunkenness happening all around them. Not that any of them were disappointed by this, since they were all model students and good boys and girls. The sovereign authority of Japan's legal drinking age was not impressed upon the crowd of male shinigamis however, who relentlessly tried to press drinks upon Orihime, like a swarm of pesky flies until either one of three things happened:

1. Chad cracked his knuckles.

2. Ishida pulled on his archer gloves/hand guards.

3. Ichigo pushed up the hilt of his zanbaktou, or soul cutter, audibly.

The effects of these actions were immediate, and all through the evening, the three gentlemen were occupied by this task of chaperoning the oblivious flower within their party. But where was Rukia? At the moment, as she was free from limits imposed by the legal drinking age, being more than old enough, she was owning the competition in a drinking contest and now up against her fourth challenger, vice-captain of the third division, Kira Izuru, former lapdog of the former third division captain, Ichimaru Gin. The crowd surrounding the two contestants gave out an approving bellow as she downed yet another cupful and cheered when Kira's eyes became first unfocused and then flipped backwards to reveal the whites as he toppled over. Hanatarou was soon on the spot with another member of the fourth division as they placed the unconscious Kira on a stretcher and carried him off to a room next door that was being utilized as a temporary aid station for treating overdrinking and its related ills.

A little while later, Ikkaku Madarame, the shiny-topped third-seat of the rowdy eleventh division stepped up to the elevated podium in the front of the room and spoke into the mike. "Alright people, you've had your fun, and now its time for the night's main event, the raffle!" He was answered by an enthusiastic roar from the crowd. "As per chief commander Yamamoto's orders, all captains and vice-captains contributed a prize item, and I tell you, some of you lucky sons-of-guns are going go home really happy tonight! The person's whose name I draw will come up to the front, where he or she will get to choose one of these numbered panels behind me which will reveal whose prize they won. Are we all clear?" Satisfied that enough of the audience was sober enough to make this work, Ikkaku proceeded, "Let's get started then, our first lucky guest tonight is…" thrusting his arm through a hole in a tall box and withdrawing a wooden nametag, "… Shihouin Yoruichi! Our gorgeous goddess of speed whose swiftness is matched only by her beauty! Let's give her a round of applause!" Yoruichi made her way towards the front with a lithesome sway and a coquettish grin that elicited whistles and wolf-cries as all eyes followed her. Even the MC himself was flustered and required a moment to recover his wits from her dazzling appearance, "Umm… please take your pick, Shihouin-dono."

The cat woman regarded the panels in front of her deliberately, then picked one out and handed it to Ikkaku, who browsed through the list of prizes in his hand for the corresponding number on the panel. "Let's see now… and the prize she wins is… 'One-week's worth of private training sessions with Captain Abarai Renji!'" The room erupted in raucous cheering and applause, though not a few male Shinigamis glared at the newly-promoted redhead, whose jaw hung agape in a rare display of stunned silence. Rukia, who was sitting next to him, noticed the look on his face, and feeling it an unfitting display of discomposure for his newly gained st+ature, sought to gain her childhood friend's attention.

"Renji." No response. "Renji!" To no avail, and had their relationship been that of just "old friends" like they both claimed to the curious public, it should have ended there, but Rukia did not take her boy… I mean, old friend's reaction to Yoruichi favorably at all, and expressed her displeasure by elbowing the spaced-out captain in the ribs, hard.

"Oww! What'd you do that for, idiot?"

"Close your jaw, drool is dripping out." Rukia replied, without looking at him.

Renji's face turned a shade red with embarrassment and he quickly wiped away the tell-tale trail of saliva with the back of his hand. "… You could have just told me."

Rukia turned and cocked an eyebrow at him for a second and then shook her head sardonically. "You're acting like an excited sixteen year-old."

"What! I'm not excited…" His words were cut short by the sudden presence of a body pressed firmly against his back, and turning his head his eyes widened to find the smiling face of Yoruichi right next to his own, her chin resting against his shoulder and her arms draped over and across his chest. For the second time in two minutes, Abarai lost use of his verbal faculties and was once more reduced to dumb-struck ness.

"Well well… and what will the handsome captain be teaching me in our private sessions, hmm?" Said Yoruichi, in a manner not unlike a purring cat.

"Gah?" Said Renji, his brain reduced to mush by the warm breath he felt tickling his ear.

"Perhaps… you can help me get my own one of these…" And as she spoke she traced a finger lightly over a pattern on Renji's exposed chest, causing him to shiver. "I've always loved tattoos… and men who wear them."

"Gah gah?" Said Renji.

Yoruichi chuckled and beamed at the dumbfounded captain. Placing a free hand against the overwhelmed redhead's cheek, she turned Renji's face so that their eyes were locked at pointblank range, and continued in a sultry voice dripping with sugary overtones, "I will look forward to our training sessions. See you after the party… captain." And with that she vanished in the same way that she appeared, with movement too swift to be tracked by the eye. A while passed before Rukia saw fit to bring Renji out from la-la-land once more.

"Renji." No response. "Renji!" No avail, and when she failed to rouse him by elbowing him in the ribs, she lit one of his shirt sleeves on fire with a demon art incantation, which had the desired effect. Renji jumped up and fumbled about for a second before dousing the flames with a bowl of simmering hot miso soup.

"Oww! What'd you do that for, idiot?"

"Your nose is bleeding." said Rukia without looking at him.

"… Ah."

Two seats down, Ichigo was clutching his stomach and shaking with laughter at the redhead's plight, who due to their startling number of similarities he held little affection for, ironically. Up front, Ikkaku drew out the next nametag, "Will Kurosaki Ichigo please come up to the stage!"

"Wow! You won, Kurosaki-kun!" said one excited Orihime.

"Uh-huh."

"Maybe you'll get a new refrigerator!"

"I doubt that they'll give me a refrigerator."

"Or maybe coupons to a hot spring resort in Soul Society!"

Ichigo walked towards the podium, a sense of foreboding creeping into the back of his mind as he became aware of the number of sympathetic looks cast his way from men whom he recognized as members of the thuggish eleventh division. On stage, just before he was about to make his pick, he was startled to have Ikkaku pull him close and shove a panel into his hands when their backs were turned against the audience. Surprise grew into alarm when he heard Ikkaku whisper in a conflicted voice, "Forgive me, I have my orders." Before he could respond, the bald-headed young man turned towards the audience with an abrupt change of pace and with a beaming smile announced, "And the prize for Mr. Kursoaki is twenty sparring matches against our very own captain, Zaraki Kenpachi!"

Ichigo blanched, "What the he…!"

"Let's give him a big round of applause!" The crowd responded enthusiastically.

"Wait a sec…"

"Congratulations to our lucky recipient!"

"Hold on! This is a setup!"

Ikkaku sweat-dropped, turning his face away to avoid eye-contact with his hapless victim before replying in an uncertain tone which belied his conscience, "Hmm? What ever are you talking about?"

"You thrust that panel in my hand!"

"Did anyone see me do such a thing?" Ikkaku turned towards the audience, whose front ranks were suddenly occupied solely by members of the eleventh division, who replied as one in the negative. "Guess not, Kurosaki, you must be overly excited is all."

"I'm being framed!" Ikkaku whistled an innocent tune while in the meantime two ugly brutes from the eleventh division clasped around Ichigo's ankles two sets of ball and chain. "What the heck do you think you're doing?"

"Sorry, Kurosaki-dono, it was either you or us." Said Thug-A.

"And you have a far better chance of surviving against the captain than we do." Said Thug-B.

Ichigo grew frantic, but the ultimate blow to his composure came when the deep, chilling voice of that fearsome man, Zaraki Kenpachi entered his ears. "What's the matter, Kurosaki, my gift not good enough for you?" The tower of a man, with his pink-haired adjutant riding on his shoulder and a vicious grin stretched across his face, loomed over Ichigo like a dark specter.

Survival instinct took over; unleashing his zanbaktou, Ichigo blew a hole in the closest wall and leapt through it running like there was no tomorrow, with ball and chain in tow. The abruptness of the gesture left Kenpachi speechless for a moment, before Yachiru spoke up in her childlike voice, "Ken-chan, your toy just ran away."

"What? After him!" The pair leapt through the newly created exit and chased after the sound of frantic flight now fading fast into the distance.

Orihime beamed and turned to the bespectacled Quincy seated next to her, "Kurosaki-kun looked so happy!"

Ishida, not wishing to disappoint her, replied, "Yes, I'm sure he's very pleased."

After the buzz generated by the unexpectedly entertaining raffle thus far had subsided somewhat, Ikkaku drew another nametag. "And our next winner is… The Quincy archer, Ishida Uryuu! Let's give him a hand, ladies and gentlemen!"

The Quincy was full of dread after seeing what horrible fate befell his companion. Chad patted him on the shoulder sympathetically before he made his way to the front with a downcast spirit. Due to his heritage, he was not exactly on the best terms with the shinigamis, even if they were now at a truce, and he could think of several of the officers off the bat with ample reason to wish him harm, especially…

"And the prize for Quincy-san is sponsored by… twelfth division captain, Kurotsuchi Mayuri!"

… that particular individual. What were the odds that out of all the people, _he_ would be picked for _his_ prize? Oh there was nothing personal between them; he tortured and performed human experiments on members of his kin, and he blew a ten-inch hole, center-mass, in his abdomen for it, tit-for-tat. But all that aside, even if he could forgive the man for his cruel dealings with his people, there was something he could not forgive, and that was Mayuri's fashion sense: The man was creepiness personified, and this was utterly repugnant to Ishida's perfectionist soul… though he could hardly feel the same way towards the man's lieutenant, his "daughter," Nemu Kurotsuchi, who now accompanied him to the front stage with her hands folded in front her. Mayuri spoke a few quick words to Ikkaku, who then announced, "Captain Kurotsuchi says he would like to personally present Quincy-san with his prize." Handing the mike to the ever-grinning mad scientist, the MC stepped off to the side, but not before casting Ishida a sympathetic glance.

Mayuri turned to address the curious crowd with a disturbingly sincere tone, "As you all know, Ishida Uryuu and I have had our differences in the past. But I have come to realize the errors of my ways; it was wrong of me to eradicate the Quincies." Ishida fought to contain his revulsion at these words as the man continued. "I wish to remedy the harm I've done in what little way I can, therefore…" Mayuri turned to take Nemu's hand and join it with that of a startled Ishida's, "I am giving Ishida Uryuu, the last Quincy, my daughter Nemu's hand in marriage."

Deafening silence descended upon the room, and the drop of a dish could be heard way back in the far corner. Orihime scooted over to Chad discreetly and motioned for him to lend her his ear. Whispering, she asked intently, "Does… does this mean that Ishida-kun and Kurotsuchi-san are… getting married?"

Chad nodded, and Orihime turned pink. Unable to contain her excitement, she squealed, "THAT'S SOO CUUTE!"

In the back of the room, standing with his back against the wall, tenth division captain Hitsugaya Toushirou observed the drastic build up of spiritual pressure and _sakki_ from over half the of the male shinigamis present in and outside the room. His expression was grave as he remarked, "This is going to turn really ugly."

To be Continued


	2. Mr Quincy you prefer men, don't you?

Hot Dogging

Author: Cal-Reflector

Author's Notes: My heartfelt thanks to those who took the time to review my first chapter; their support has made this experience much more gratifying and provided me motivation to further this pleasant madness.

Disclaimer: I do not owned Bleach or the characters contained therein.

Chapter 2: "Mr. Quincy, you… prefer men, don't you?"

It was the beginning of a beautiful day in Soul Society, and as the sun began its slow ascent towards its zenith, its warm rays shone upon the flora, the fauna, and the hung-over shinigamis who winced through puffy eyelids and foggy minds at the unwelcome arrival of another Monday. Here and there, signs of the weekend's festivities could be found littered throughout the vicinity of the inner court; a sandal here, a zanbaktou there, death gods sprawled awkwardly on the roof and in the trees… and it was the fourth division's job to collect these various articles and return them to their rightful owners. At the moment, Hanatarou, the ever meek and well meaning medic who was everyone's favorite chump, was hauling his third body of the morning off to the correct divisional head quarters. His mind wandered back to that magical evening at the party where he had, in between digging vomit out of people's throats and giving CPR to some exceedingly ugly fellows, caught sight of Miss Kuchiki Rukia, whom he held a secret crush for, a whole three times! At one point, an empty bottle which she tossed over her shoulder had even struck him on the head; it had been heaven for our dear Hanatarou, for whom that was the closest he ever came to making physical contact with his beloved. A large shout from a room he was passing by startled him out from his rose-colored daydream. From behind the screen door, which he recognized as the entrance to chief commander Yamamoto's office, a somewhat heated discussion could be heard. He turned to address a fellow member of the fourth division who came walking down the hallway, "Excuse me, do you know what the commotion is about in the commander's office?"

"Ah that. Old man Yama is mediating a meeting between captain Mayuri and the humans. Seems like one of them has some objection about the prize he won from the raffle the other night."

This was indeed the case, and inside the impressive room which was Yamamoto's office were Ichigo, Chad, Orihime, and Ishida, seated around a table across from Mayuri. Nemu was standing behind her captain, and the bearded old geezer was presiding at the head position with his adjutant beside him. The atmosphere was in fact quite cordial and relaxed, with the exception of Ishida, who looked frustrated in the manner of a man who has been deprived of his habit of nicotine… or lacework. Presently, he was on his feet confronting the captain of the twelfth division. "This is absolutely ridiculous!"

Mayuri's expression was one of innocent bewilderment (the disturbing sight of which caused all to shudder inwardly) as he replied, "I do not understand? What makes this arrangement so unacceptable?"

"You can't just out-of-the-blue decide to marry someone to another person!"

"On the contrary, I believe it is quite customary for parents to fix marriages for their children. It happens all the time in your world, no?"

"Yeah, but… we're too young!"

"Age is of no concern, and arrangements are known to have been made even before the children were born."

Knowing this to be true, Ishida began to waver. "That's… err… that's not the point! I…"

"Hey Ishida, would you calm down?" The Quincy turned to his orange-haired companion stretched out beside him in a reclining position, looking as if he had not a care in the world. "What are you so upset about? It's not as if you got chained around the ankles and was forced to enter a twenty-round bout to the death against a psychopath."

"Speaking of which… Kurosaki-kun, how come that scary looking man with the little pink-haired girl on his shoulder is not chasing you anymore?" inquired Orihime.

A sly grin appeared on Ichigo's face. "I had the crazy shop owner send me a replacement."

A dozen blocks away, two figures could be seen bounding from rooftop to rooftop, one behind the other in swift pursuit. A bone-chilling laugh which would have shriveled the stoutest hearts of those who heard it came forth from the pursuer.

"GAHAHAHAHA! It's useless, Kurosaki! Even if you changed your clothes and undid your ball and chains, you cannot escape from me!" Kenpachi shouted as he leapt over a six-story building, his wild hair flying back in the wind and sword drawn and shimmering in the sunlight.

"Stop chasing me you maniac! How many times do I have to tell you, I'm not Ichigo!" Cried Kon, whose words convinced no one, since he _was_ Ichigio, being in his body and all. It was an utterly bizarre spectacle for the shinigamis returning to work, and not believing what their eyes and ears were telling them, many resolved then and there to swear off the bottle the night before a workday. Thug-A and Thug-B observed the hunt solemnly as tears pooled in their eyes.

"Kurosaki-dono has finally snapped from the captain's pressure." said Thug-A, his voice hoarse with emotion.

"We of the eleventh division will not forget your noble sacrifice." said Thug-B.

The two saluted the silhouettes vanishing into the distance, from where "Ichigo's" voice rang out with a drawn out end, "I'll get you for this, Ichigooooo…!"

Back inside the room, Orihime turned her head. "I think I heard someone calling out your name, Kurosaki-kun."

"It's just your imagination, Inoue." said the self-pleased orange-head.

The distraction had not helped Ishida, who was in a pinch: absurdly, he found his position for opposing the arrangement deteriorating. Grasping at any plausible excuses he could muster, he struggled on.

"I have school, I can't stay in Soul Society."

"She will return with you to the human world, naturally."

"What? Is that even possible?"

"Well, you're not a death god, and here you are." Ishida could not argue with that. "Besides, Nemu's physical constitution is practically identical to that of a living body's. With a few minor adjustments on that side, she should function perfectly as a regular human being."

"But who could make such… 'adjustments?'"

"I have contacted my predecessor, Urahara Kisuke. He said he would be more than pleased to help in any way he can."

"That dirty old man, he just wants a chance to get his hands on…" The intensity of the hostility he felt towards the shopkeeper at that moment surprised Ishida. "I… I live in my own apartment with a part-time job. I don't think I can…"

Mayuri smiled magnanimously. "Money is of no concern. Soul Society will allot you a stipend that should more than afford your needs."

Orihime's curiosity was pricked. "But… umm… our world's currency…how do you…?"

Yamamoto saw fit to make his presence known in the conversation at this point, and interjected. "Sometimes when members of your world die unexpectedly, we grant them a short extension so they can communicate their will to their kin. We charge the more affluent individuals a fee and set it aside for Shinigamis who need to stay in the human world for extended periods."

"So that's how Rukia pays Urahara for the stuff she buys…" mused Ichigo.

Ishida fell back into his seat, a defeated look on his face. Mayuri raised an eyebrow (figuratively, of course, since he actually lacks that facial feature) and regarded the crestfallen young man strangely. "I am perplexed… just why is that you are so adamantly opposed to becoming engaged to my daughter?"

"Yeah Ishida, I've been wondering too." The dejected Quincy turned to look helplessly at Ichigo. "Sure, it sounds like a crazy idea at first, but if you think about it carefully it's not half-bad. I mean, you even get paid. Plus, you being a social recluse and all, I don't think you'll ever get a chance like this to go out with a girl that pretty." Beside him, Orihime nodded her head vigorously in agreement, and even Chad turned towards his bespectacled companion, wordlessly seconding Ichigo's opinion. Ishida's self-esteem was stung by his companions' belittling of his social life, and he fidgeted under their scrutiny.

"Is it because you do not find Nemu acceptable as a partner?" asked Mayuri.

"NO!" Ishida blurted out as his head snapped up. His eyes met briefly with hers, who had been standing behind her master quietly the entire time, and he blushed slightly, averting his gaze from those dark-brown orbs that seemed to draw him into their depths. "I mean… my reluctance is definitely not because of Kurotsuchi-san…"

"Hmm… if not that, then… Ah, I've got it!" All eyes turned towards the mad scientist, who appeared to have an epiphany. He leaned forward, and speaking in a quiet and confidential tone said, "Mr. Quincy, you… prefer men, don't you?"

Ishida fell face forward into the table with a loud crash. Miraculously, his face and glasses were unscathed when he bounced up a second later. "WHAAAAAAAT?"

"Well, we have established that inconvenience and finance is not what deters you, nor, as you have said, does the problem lie with Nemu, so..." Mayuri glanced briefly at his daughter before turning around. "And, forgive me for saying this, but… you seem sort of like the type."

Ishida was incensed; having his manhood questioned was a severe insult second to only being accused of having bad taste in fashion. He threw up his arms and exclaimed, "That's the most outrageous thing I have ever heard! You tell him, Kurosaki!" Absent from the seat beside him, however, was the orange-haired teenager whom the Quincy looked to for support. Ishida turned to see said teenager backing away slowly, making for the exit with a silent look of horror on his face. The Quincy was confused and disturbed, "What's the matter with you?"

Ichigo's eyes were filled with terror as he inched closer to the door. Swallowing hard, he said, "I've always had my suspicions... I told myself that maybe you really just enjoyed sewing and knitting for the heck of it, but now…"

"Oh come on, this is just crazy! Tell him, Chad!" Absent too was the silent giant to his right, who was now standing a safe distance away with his back turned towards the embattled young man. "Chad? Not you too?" A hint of a sweat-drop emerged on the tanned man's forehead, but he remained silent. Fortunately, Orihime had not abandoned him yet, and Ishida reached for his last chance of affirmation from his friends. "Inoue-san, you believe me don't you! That I'm not…?"

Orihime twiddled her thumbs sheepishly, and Ishida's hopes fell when she replied. "Well… you know… Ishida-kun is always wearing such pretty clothes and making scarves and purses and teddy bears… but they're really cute teddy bears! I really like them a lot, honest! And the bunnies, and the puppies too! Especially the one with the pink frilly ballet outfit! That one was so adorable! But… umm… I mean…"

"…That's okay, Inoue-san, you can stop now." The Quincy was deflated, his spirit broken by the breach of confidence of his comrades. With head hung low and shoulders slumped, he spoke to no one in particular. "I accept the proposal."

"Fantastic!" said Mayuri. "I knew that you would come around!"

"Congratulations man! You've got yourself a real beauty there, you lucky dog you!" Ichigo, his apprehensions now dispelled, slapped Ishida's back heartily. Chad patted him on the shoulder.

Orihime was besides herself with excitement. "This is so wonderful, Ishida-kun! I can't wait to see how cute your children will be!"

Tow hours later, in a dark and damp cavern located deep within the maze-like network of underground tunnels, a large group of shinigamis had secretly assembled. Present were nearly half the members of the thirteen divisions' ranks, including even a few of the vice-captains; all were male. Madarame Ikkaku, the shiny-topped MC for the party two night's ago, was once again at the front of pack, his head reflecting the light of the shimmering torches that flanked him. "Brothers! My comrades of the Love Nemu Brigade! The greatest catastrophe since the establishment of our order is upon us!" Ikkaku brought the attention of his audience to an obscure man besides him. "This brother here, whose name I can't quite recall, is chief commander Yamamoto's lieutenant, and he has reported that that in three days time, our princess is to follow the humans back to their world, where she will… she will… start living with and eventually wed the foul four-eyed one!" This pronouncement was responded to by animal roars of fury and calls for Ishida's blood that shook the cave as the storm resounded through its confines; such was the force of their zeal for Nemu, whom they deservedly dubbed the Blossom of Soul Society.

"At this point, there is only one course of action that can save our princess: We must eliminate the four-eyed one before the appointed time." Another flood of indignation burst forth from the assembled. "Who shall go and smite this needle-wielding girly-man?" The group of men grew quiet suddenly, as they began to look and whisper among themselves.

"I heard he's pretty strong."

"Isn't he the last of those Quincies?"

"He's the one who put a hole in captain Mayuri and lived to talk about it, right?"

"I heard he had a hand in driving back that Menos Grande that appeared a while back."

In this manner the men's courage slowly seeped away, to Ikkaku's great distress. "Come on! What are we, men or mice!"

One voice retorted, "If you're so confident, why don't you go and challenge the girly-man?"

Another added, "Besides, think about what crazy-Mayuri will do to us if he finds out about this."

"Yeah, somebody I knew in the twelfth division said several guys were following Mayuri's orders, _obeying his orders_, mind you, and you know what happened to them? Kaboom! The crazy coot blew them to wherever shinigamis go after we die a second time; wasn't enough left of the poor bastards to fill my shoe box. And we're supposed to go and kill his new son-in-law?" As the Love Nemu Brigade's resolve slowly eroded, Hitsugaya, who had concealed his presence amongst the distracted multitude, melted away, satisfied that a second civil war within Soul Society had been averted... for now.

But where was Renji, that most fortunate man who discovered that giving was indeed more rewarding than receiving on the night of the raffle, while all of these events were taking place? At that moment, he was observing the giant underground geo-front where Ichigo had trained to learn the name of and release his soul cutter. The young captain marveled at the spacious expanse. "All of my years here and I never knew of such a place…"

"That's because an old friend and I excavated this space long ago, probably before you were even inducted to the ranks." said Yoruichi, who stood several paces ahead of him as she surveyed the familiar surroundings.

"And? What did you bring me all the way here for?"

Yoruichi spun around, a catlike smile on her face. "Oh… can't you guess?" When she saw the redhead tense, she laughed and began to make her way towards the young man who appeared rooted to the ground as she continued in her bewitching tone. "Silly boy… Why it's for our private training sessions of course, and it wouldn't be private now if we couldn't enjoy it in privacy, correct?"

Renji swallowed hard, the lump in his throat remained, his baggy captain's garb suddenly felt stifling. He clenched his fists tightly and sought to steel his nerves, waging a fierce battle in his male-oriented mind. "Get a grip, Renji, you're not some hormone driven sixteen-year old! This is not your first time looking at a woman…… A woman with perfectly toned legs and flawless curves and… mmm… chocolate… Crap! I'm doing it again! I…."

But for all his inner-strength and iron discipline, Renji's efforts to keep his mind out of the gutter proved futile, for as soon Yoruichi slid her arms around his shoulders and started whispering soft murmurings into his ear, self-restraint flew straight out the window. "I hope you're well rested…"

To be Continued--


	3. Those are vitamins, Inouesan

**Hot Dogging**

**Author: Cal-Reflector**

Author's Notes: This chapter will focus more on Ishida and Nemu, and thus will be less caffeinated than usual… at least, that's how I hope it turns out. A transition chapter in nature, this was the most difficult episode for me to write thus far. Once more, suggestions, reviews, and pointers will be much appreciated.

Disclaimer: I do not owned Bleach or the characters contained therein.

Recap from last chapter: Shattered by his friend's misgivings about his manhood, Ishida gives in to Mayuri's marriage arrangement between him and Numu, Kon plays an involuntary game of tag with Kenpachi, a secret society's plan to whack Ishida crumbles before it begins, and all indicators show that Renji is about to get lucky with Yoruichi.

**Chapter 3: "Those are vitamins, Inoue-san."**

Rukia was not feeling exactly like spring and sunshine this morning: There was a shortage of help at the fifth division HQ, where work had been accumulating at a national-deficit pace. But had it just been the incessant stream of paperwork that seemed to undergo spontaneous generation, her face would not be scrunched to the effect of frightening away passer-bys. It was the fact that her captain, Abarai Renji, had gone AWOL since the day after the weekend midnight bash, last reported sighted heading into the remote outskirts of the Rukongai accompanied by that man-thieving, family-wrecking, no-good-eye-catching wench, Shihouin Yoruichi.

Not that she was angry, or jealous, or anything of the sort.

Her concern was strictly professional; It was certainly not her personal emotions which led her to take the matter up to the chief commander. And it was strictly professional when she became a little upset when Yamamoto merely chuckled after hearing her case and said, "Abarai-kun is still young, and young men will have their flings once in while. Back in the days I used to… " And it was certainly not personal emotions which made her excuse herself before her self-absorbed commander had a chance to finish recounting his own exploits during "the glory days." She walked away as cool and composed as any respectable professional of her office would have conducted themselves… and let fly the first unlucky shinigami she came across, who happened to be Hanatarou, off the balcony, into the blue yonder, and ending up in the hard pavement six stories below. Some time later, when he had regained consciousness and was applying restorative magic on his dislocated hip, Hanatarou gazed up at the azure expanse above where fluffy white clouds drifted, and with the wonderful sensation of Rukia's soft touch still emblazoned in his memory and the side of his face, he murmured to himself with a dreamy smile, "It is good to be alive..."

A pity that Rukia could not share Hanatarou's rosy outlook on life: "That idiot… wait till I get my hands on that red head of his. Then I'll… censored and censored censored, etc." Drawing up in her mind the most cruel and unusual methods by which to cause Renji long lasting suffering, Rukia set out to track down and recover her captain.

All strictly professional of course.

Miles away, inside the massive geo-front, Renji felt a chill go down his spine, but soon returned to the busy task of satisfying him and his partner's mutual physical needs. Minutes later, lying on his back, breathless and his body slick with sweat, Renji turned towards the slightly less tired woman besides him. "One more round, Yoruichi?"

"That depends on if you have any stamina left to entertain me with." said Yoruichi, wiping away the sweat drops at the nape of her neck.

The challenge was not missed by the fiery redhead, who grinned widely in response. "You underestimate me, lady. Who's the one who's got you breathless and begging for more?"

"Don't go bragging just yet, captain, I haven't shown you all my tricks yet." Turning to face the redhead, Renji saw the gleam of unfulfilled need in Yoruichi's eyes and the teasing curve at the corner of her mouth, and the fire inside his body was rekindled.

"Show me then!" And with renewed gusto, the two leapt into each other for their eleventh round of intense and heated… sparring, no doubt to the great disappointment of a number of viewers in another dimension who now greatly resent the author for leading them on in the false hope of eventually being rewarded with a scene depicting the two hotly engaged in a steamy and indecent affair.

In this manner Renji trained with Yoruichi, receiving the workout of his life while blissfully unaware of the forthcoming storm approaching in the form of a small dark-haired shinigami.

Far away from the scene of impending domestic dispute and likely manslaughter, back in the inner courts, a small group of female vice-captains had gathered in Hitsugaya's office to send off their friend and co-worker, Nemu, with a small celebration. Matsumoto Rangiku, the enviously well-endowed lieutenant of the tenth division (Affectionately dubbed "Our Busty Beauty" by her own fan club, Her Majesty Matsumoto's Men.) had volunteered her captain's office for the occasion, citing among many advantages the devilishly comfortable sofa big enough to seat five or sleep one. In order to assuage "Shirou-kun's" embarrassment of being the lone male, she had invited Ishida and his companions as well, an invitation which Ichigo and Orihime accepted in the reluctant archer's stead. At the moment, Rangiku had finished topping off everyone's cups and raised her own. "Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to propose a toast to Nemu-chan, for being a good friend all these years and providing a listening ear when the rest of us were talking too much. Best of luck to her and her new man, kan-pei!"

Sitting away from the center of activity at his own desk and eyeing the cup of sake in front him dubiously, Hitsugaya remarked to no one in particular, "It was probably just you who did all the talking…"

For reasons afore mentioned, Ishida had a cup of tea instead of sake, which, judging by the undivided attention he gave it, was the most interesting thing to look at in the world. He was aware however, that as the wine flowed and bottoms went up all around, Nemu had not touched her own drink, which she merely held in her hands. Rangiku, already on her third shot, leaned towards the conspicuously abstinent girl. "Oh… don't be a poor sport, Nemu. This is your party! We can't allow you to leave with your fiancé in a sober state now can we?"

Nemu appeared slightly hesitant. "I… don't like alcohol."

"Yes, we all know that Nemu. Rangiku just got carried away with herself." said Ise Nanao, the proficient and collected vice-captain of the seventh divison, as she glanced admonishingly at the guilty blonde. "How about some tea instead?"

"Thank you, Nanao-san." Rangkiu, pouting from "No-nonsense" Nanao's slap on the wrist, turned her attention to Nemu's raven hair, using her fingers to toy with the end of the long braid, a gesture which Ishida found inexplicably charming.

As Orihime stood up to pour Nemu a cup of tea, Hinamori Momo turned towards her quiet friend with a concerned expression on her face. "Kurotuschi-san, it's wonderful that you are getting married but… are you really okay with this? I mean, wasn't it all planned by captain Mayuri?"

The conversations came to a hush as everyone turned their attention the subject in question; even Histugaya stopped pretending to be disinterested for a moment in order to hear how Nemu felt about the matter. In the stillness, her sedate voice resounded clearly in Ishida's ears. "Mayuri-sama had told me a few weeks after the battles had ended, that he intended to wed me to Quincy-san. I replied that if that was his wish, I will abide by it." This statement made the bespectacled young man decidedly uncomfortable and at a loss, a sentiment not limited to him alone, as evident from the downcast look on Hinamori's and the others' faces in response to Nemu's confession. Just as he began to mentally berate himself (the eleventh time that day) for his rash decision, Nemu continued on, apparently not finished. "But… though I would never go against Mayuri-sama's will, I was glad that he chose to betroth me to Quincy-san, because…" and here, in a spectacle seen rarely even among her closest companions, Nemu lips curved lightly into a warm smile. "because… Quincy-san is a very kind person."

Ishida was speechless, his eyes wide with surprise at the girl with long-braided hair who sat next to him. Hitsugaya settled himself back into his chair, a little smile of his own forming on his face. Ichigo whistled loudly to break the silence. Rangiku, Hinamori, and Orihime expressed themselves much more openly; unable to contain their relief at knowing that their friend was not trapped into a hopeless relationship, they caught Nemu between themselves in a fierce bear-hug, pressing their faces against the surprised young woman; Rangiku positively squealed with delight. "Kyaaaa! I love you so much Nemu-chan! Listen, if four-eyes here ever treats you badly, you let me know! Rangiku nee-sama will be on top of him so quick he'd never know what hit him!" Ise coughed, wordlessly reminding Rangiku to mind her manners, who in turn released her prey and laughed sheepishly before apologizing. "Sorry, I wasn't talking about you, Nanao-chan."

"... That wasn't what I was referring to, but never mind." said Ise, who as the most straitlaced and sensible of the group had long grown accustomed to Matsumoto's ways. Turning towards the abashed Quincy, she smiled reassuringly and said. "Congratulations, Ishida-san, I wish you utmost happiness in the new life you are about to begin with Nemu. I'm sure you will look after her and make her very happy."

"Of course! And Kurotsuchi-san will make a wonderful wife for Ishida-kun!" Orihime added enthusiastically, her arms still wrapped around Nemu's neck.

"Thank you… Inoue-san. I will do my best." Turning towards her fellow shinigamis, Nemu said. "You have treated me so kindly these years and have been such good friends… I will miss you all very much."

"Oh don't say that like this is our last meeting! We'll be sure to visit you and your hubby when we get the chance…" Rangiku grinned deviously. "Maybe we'll decide to barge in when you two happen to be spending some quality time together… fufufu." Ichigo chuckled when Ishida face-faulted, nearly spitting hot tea all over his crispy-white outfit.

"Ah yes, that reminds me." Isane Kotetsu, the vice-captain of the fourth division reached inside her uniform jacket to bring out a delicately embroidered pouch woven of bright red silk. "Captain Unohana sends her felicitations, and wished to give you these as a wedding present." Taking the small bag in her hands, Nemu opened the package and rolled out several small purple pills as everyone studied the bag's contents curiously. "Thank you, what is it?"

"It's actually for both you and Ishida-san, one the captain's own special formulas. She told me to tell you that all you have to do is to dissolve one in your food or tea, and then…" Isane cleared her throat before she continued. "Err… well, 'enjoy the ride' was what she said. And oh, captain Unohana doubts that it'll be necessary, but if you two are really… well, 'going for the long haul,' she says you can use two for 'extended and lasting performance.' "

Overhearing this conversation, the tenth division's captain shuddered hard in his chair, making a mental note to himself from now on to examine his food for special additives if and whenever the always-smiling (and increasingly frightening) fourth division captain was in the same room. Nemu accepted the gift placidly, showing no sign of whether she understood the message which Isane tried to convey oh-so-subtly, "Thank you, I will try it out some times." Ishida was beside himself with mortification, his pale complexion in flames. Chad, ever the understanding one, patted him on the shoulder in wordless empathy. Ichigo was struggling to not embarrass his friend any further by clamping his mouth shut as his bodies shook with suppressed laughter and tears came to his eyes.

Orihime was her usual self, that is to say, she was confused; unable to grasp the odd behavior of her companions and the embarrassment of the females present. "So… captain Unohana made medicine for Nemu-chan and Ishida-kun? Why? They aren't sick."

Rangiku chuckled merrily when no one spoke up. "Fufufu… my dear Inoue-san, is that an act or are you really that innocent? That isn't medicine, that's…" Her sentence fell off when a blood-chilling sensation which could only be from her captain's razor gaze landed upon her back. Having discouraged Rangiku from needlessly wagging her tongue, Hitsugaya attempted to diffuse the awkward situation by misleading the clueless teenager.

"Those are vitamins, Inoue-san."

"Vitamins?"

Catching on to the young genius' intentions, Ichigo played along. "Umm, that's right! The doctor lady made them for… fortifying the body! The different climate back in our world, you know, might take Kurotsuchi-san here some adjusting to."

"Oh… in that case, maybe I should take one too. I've been feeling a bit anemic lately…"

"NO!" shouted everyone present in unison.

A few hours later the party adjourned, and at the command of the ladies, everyone was evicted from the premises (including a very annoyed Hitsugaya for being kicked out of his own office) to allow Nemu and Ishida some privacy. Sitting across from Nemu in the suddenly quiet room, the silence became almost too much for Ishida to handle. His usually keen and discerning mind was in a gridlock, still unable to fully come to terms with the fact that he was now engaged, in the traditional sense of the olden days, and still in high school! He could hardly bring himself to look into the face of the girl in front him, but when he did, he saw that she had her hands folded neatly in her lap and her head bowed demurely, an image of such exquisite loveliness that in his raptness he quite forgot where he was. His mind traveled back to what was their first and only previous meeting, when both of them had sustained suffered near-fatal wounds after Nemu had stopped Ishida's swift movements with her body to allow Mayuri to attack; their blood had spilled and mingled so the other's was indistinguishable from their own. Ishida raised his hand to his shoulder and traced down the diagonal path which the blade drew across his chest.

Yet even then, with angry splashes of red contrasting frightfully with her fine complexion and cuts on her face from Mayuri's malicious trouncing, Ishida had thought her beautiful: Despite his hatred towards her superior, he had never harbored negative feelings towards the strangely captivating lieutenant who had saved her enemy's life. Though still unable to comprehend the reason why, Ishida recognized in Nemu's singular devotion to her cruel master something in common to the reverence he held for his late master and grandfather. He also remembered that had it not been for her antidote, the venom from Mayuri's attack would have consumed him and he would not be here today, savoring a peaceful moment alone with the girl who rescued him and fascinated him ever since.

"Ano… Quincy-san? Is something the matter?" Nemu inquired, startling Ishida out of his dreamlike state, whose embarrassment at having been caught in self-absorbed reflection caused him to stammer awkwardly as he fumbled for an explanation.

"No! No, nothing's wrong! Forgive me, I was just… well, I'm still shocked how sudden things came about." He laughed nervously. "I mean, seemed just like yesterday that Mayuri and I intent on killing each other, but now he's become my father-in-law, funny huh? Hahaha… ha…" In his mind, Ishida was kicking himself and wishing that the earth would open up and swallow him.

Inside a musty closet of an adjacent room, Ichigo, who had been monitoring the exchange through a convenient set of peepholes in the wall, covered his face with his hand in exasperation. "… Real smooth Ishida, you freaking idiot! My perverted old man could have handled that better!"

"Shhhh!" Hissed Orihime and Rangiku, themselves pressed against the wall to catch the action through their own peepholes; as if the day's events had not wearied Hitsugaya enough, he now had to deal with this disturbing discovery. He decided that he would interrogate Rangiku later, after she had had her fun, though he dreaded what answer he might receive and who had been using this space to spy on his private activities.

The eavesdroppers returned their attention to the unfolding drama. At the sight of Ishida playing with his fingers like a nervous twit, Nemu said in quiet tone. "You need not be so nervous, Quincy-san. We will be spending much more time together from now, and since the human world will be a new place for me…" She bowed deeply. "Please look after me from now on."

Ishida appeared to waver for a moment, but optimism appeared to prevail over doubt when a smile gradually appeared on his face and he bowed in response. "I as well, please look after me, and… please call me Ishida."

Satisfied with the good vibes developing between the two, the crowd next door filed out from their listening post quietly. Chad, in a rare display of verbal opinion, suggested that he and his friends return to their rooms to start packing for the trip home. Hitsugaya left with Rangiku in tow, and the other shinigamis returned to their respective quarters. As the three teens walked back towards their quarters side by side, Orihime, flanked by the two men, spoke up first. "I'm glad that things seem to be working out between the two of them."

"Ah." Replied Ichigo nonchalantly. "Maybe having a girlfriend will cure that guy of his girlish habits." Before Orihime could protest that the president of the handicraft's club had very masculine habits indeed, a blurry form shot across their path and crashed through a wall. When the dust had settled, the trio could discern a barely recognizable Ichigo, with his unmistakable orange hair protruding out from under the debris, tattered and unconscious. Picking himself up by the collar and shaking him back into consciousness, Ichigo yelled, "What the… Kon! What the hell have you done to my body?"

Kon, his face a bruised and swollen mess, croaked, "Get… me… out of… this place…" before passing out again.

"Hold on a second… if you're here, that means…" Turning his head around slowly, Ichigo's worst fear was confirmed when he saw in the far distance the silhouette of none other than Kenpachi, standing atop a tall building, emanating his trademark spiritual pressure which could be felt even kilometers away.

The fearsome eleventh division captain, who had just launched "Ichigo" far into the distance like a tee off shot, squinted his eye to confirm what he saw. "Yachiru… tell me, am I imagining things, or do I see two Kurosakis now?"

"Nope, there's two of them alright."

Suddenly, the atmosphere over Soul Society seemed to double in intensity as electricity seemed to fill the air, reflecting Kenpachi's dangerously mounting excitement, a sign which Ichigo interpreted as his cue to make his exit. "Oh shit… no no, no time to heal him, Inoue. Chad, just pick him up, we gotta skip town, fast."

Back in Hitsugaya's office, Ishida, who had just begun to gain confidence that his uncertain future may turn out alright, picked up a distant rumble which rapidly increased in volume until Ichigo, screeching to a halt in the hallway outside, popped his familiar face through the screen door. "Yo, Ishida, sorry to interrupt, but we've moved the timetable up and we're heading home right now."

"What? Why? I haven't even packed yet!"

"Got your stuff right here… most of it at least. C'mon, we gotta go, right now!" Snapping his head back towards the direction from whence he came, dread came onto Ichigo's face as he spat. "Damn it, he's already here! Let's move!" Following the orange head's line of sight, Ishida at last understood the reason for panic, for down the hall came Zarakai Kenpachi, pupil dilated with blood lust and fangs bared like a T-rex bearing down on dinner, with just a trace of saliva trailing from the corner of his mouth wide with glee. Now aware of their critical situation, Ishida put aside his questions about the other Ichigo slung over Chad's shoulder like a flattened possum, and grabbing hold of a very surprised Nemu's hand, joined his friends in hightailing towards the spirit gate that connected Soul Society to the world of the living, collectively shattering several world-records in track and field in the process. A dizzying light exploded from the gate as they leapt through the portal, mere seconds before an extremely grouchy Kenpachi reached the site, knowing that he could not give chase beyond that point. In this manner, the adventures and travails of Ichigo and his companions in Soul Society came to a happy conclusion satisfactory to all (Kon not being conscious enough to object), and the heroes looked forward to a welcome respite from fighting and fleeing in the normalcy of daily life back home.

**-To be continued-**


End file.
